


Almost But Not Yet

by cupidty11



Series: The Bond of Sacrifice [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthur having emotions and thinking like a prat king, Bc show Arthur didnt get to be as much as he shouldve been, Canon Divergent, Canon Era, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Fluff, Homoerotic campfire talks, Implied Jealousy, Intimacy, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pre-Slash, True Love, and not just a prat lol, fear doesn’t go away so easily, i have no idea when this takes place but its before Morgana betrays them, smart arthur, soul mates, which is just basically the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-20 22:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21289019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupidty11/pseuds/cupidty11
Summary: Merlin expresses concern for Morgana while they're out hunting and it devolves into a conversation he isn't ready to have yet.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: The Bond of Sacrifice [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977841
Comments: 20
Kudos: 362





	Almost But Not Yet

**Author's Note:**

> Trying to do stuff for NaNoWriMo. I've had this sitting around for a while. It's short but, sweet (I hope). Not exactly revolutionary but, still had fun writing it. Hopefully some folks will like it.

"Oh my God. You're in love with her." Arthur’s voice was incredulous, with a hint of something dangerous. Merlin jerked as if he’d been jabbed with a needle.

“No! Of course not!” He scowled, rubbing his hands together nervously. The magic in his veins often made his palms itch if he went too long without using it. “I’m just...concerned. Sire. She’s...Morgana hasn’t been herself for a while.” His voice lowered in pitch. “Have you not noticed?”

The prince continued to watch him warily. Those blue eyes flickered away, back towards the fire burning merrily in front of them. Merlin watched a muscle in his jaw jump as he considered his answer. Arthur had become much better at that. Thinking before speaking and not speaking until he knew exactly what he wanted to say. He hardly ever stuttered or hesitated in his words anymore.

“Of course I’ve noticed. Something has been troubling her. But, I guess I had assumed it would blow over.” Blonde brows furrowed, dark lines cast on his forehead from worry and shadows. “That obviously is not the case as it’s been many months.” Arthur used the stick in his hand to poke at the fire. It spat up sparks. The silence became a bit heavier. “You’ve been observing her.”

It was Merlin’s turn to eye him warily. “Yes. Because she’s my friend.”

Arthur nodded, as if this answer was what he had been expecting. Which was quite a drastic switch in thinking from a few moments ago.

Then the prince glanced at him, eyebrow tilted just so. And Merlin knew what he was asking without ever having to speak. “I have...my theories. But,” he bit his lower lip, considering. It wasn’t like he could give away Morgana’s secret. Not only was that a betrayal of trust. But, he also still had no idea how Arthur might react.

Well, he had SOME idea. Arthur was quick to anger. But, also quick to forgive once given the proper reason to. He cared strongly for his father, believed in his crown and all the rules and laws that came with it. But, Arthur had also shown mercy and consideration towards magic users on several occasions. It always led back to this endless cycle of hope and despair. Risk and caution. Merlin was all about taking risks. Except for when it came to THIS. To potentially losing the man next to him. The man that had become such a large part of his life that he didn’t know if he would know how to live without him.

Merlin must have remained silent too long because he heard the prince huff with impatience. “But?” he prompted. The servant shrugged. He knew without looking that Arthur’s eyes had narrowed. “But, WHAT, Merlin?”

Merlin cleared his throat. “I can’t...I can’t say.”

If Arthur’s eyes narrowed any further they would just be closed. “And why not?”

Merlin took a deep breath and decided to try and walk the middle ground, between that risk and caution. Between faith and fear. “I don’t believe it’s my secret to tell. And...” He licked his lips, hesitating again before he made himself keep talking. “I don’t blame her for her fear.”

He saw Arthur sit up straighter, already putting a few missing pieces together. And when he spoke, he sounded serious and almost...vulnerable. “Fear?” Concern filled Arthur’s syllables. “Of course. Of course, she’s afraid. I didn’t notice it. Despite having seen it before.” He spoke mostly to himself. Merlin knew that Arthur hadn’t put everything together. Merely realized the emotion he’d been seeing written all over Morgana’s normally brash and bold countenance.

“When?” He asked, quietly. Unsure if he would get an answer.

But Arthur looked troubled and distracted, eyes flickering around the woods. “When she first came to us as a girl. She acted much the same. Covering up her fear of a new place, new people, new circumstances with false smiles and anger, sharp words. I’ve seen all this before. I just didn’t take the time to really look.” His voice trailed off. That line deeper between his brows.

Merlin’s fingers kept itching. With magic. With the urge to reach across the already short distance and smooth away the worried lines with his thumb. He tore his gaze away, to stare open eyed into the fire. Burning the sight of Arthur’s outline from his eyes in a cleansing, punishing brightness.

Now that THAT revelation had come to pass, he knew Arthur would begin asking more and more difficult questions. Merlin’s stomach churned with the knowledge that he would have to continue walking this line, trying to lead Arthur in the right direction without incriminating himself, without betraying anyone.

“Here.” Warm knuckles brushed his forearm. Merlin did his best not to jump as he turned and took the handkerchief. Inside it was full of cheese, bread and a small apple. The warmth and pressure of Arthur’s fingers felt burnt into his skin, but he ignored it as Merlin ignored most inconvenient things that had to do with his prince.

“Um...thanks.” He watched Arthur open his own handkerchief and begin eating, staring into the fire as if it could tell him everything he needed to know. Merlin nibbled on the cheese, waiting, waiting.

The fire crackled, animals moved through the forest around them, insects buzzed and chirped.The silence dragged on for so long that he had begun to hope (and maybe despair a bit) that Arthur would ask nothing else. But, he knew better than that. Arthur was determined and once he had the scent of something amiss he would not stop until it was revealed to him.

Sure enough, a few minutes later Arthur broke the stillness. “You know why she is afraid.” It wasn’t a question.

Merlin swallowed down the bread, noting that it was suddenly much harder to do than it had been a moment ago. “I...Yes. I think so.” He knew without looking that Arthur's eyes were on him, scanning him like he scanned maps and letters for details that would let him build his strategies. Merlin finished his bread, stuffing it into his mouth to avoid speaking and washing it down with tepid water. And when he could no longer delay, he looked up at his prince. Bright sky blue eyes burned into him, asking questions and demanding answers.

The silence dragged on and Arthur’s patience wore thin. That was another thing he’d gotten better at. But, there was still room for improvement, Merlin thought distantly.

“Well?!” Arthur was much too loud in the darkened forest. The servant fought not to wince at the volume and he looked around the clearing for a way to distract the prince, to avoid the conversation he’d unintentionally begun. The fire was still burning brightly but, they didn’t have any extra firewood.

“I should go get more wood for the fire.” Merlin jumped up to get ready to rush out into the nearby trees. A warm hand gripped him firmly by his forearm and yanked him back down the log they sat on. “_Mer_lin! Tell me!” When the servant did nothing but press his lips together and look pathetically conflicted, Arthur huffed out a frustrated sigh. “It honestly can’t be that bad.”

When he said nothing, Merlin felt a thread of true uneasiness work its way through Arthur. Felt it in the way the prince’s hand tightened on his forearm and from the way he was suddenly holding himself, as if preparing for battle. It made Merlin’s muscles tense in subconscious obedience, ready to fight and win for the future of Albion. “Morgana is like a sister to me. If she’s frightened, I want to know the source. I want to help her.”

Arthur was so sincere that Merlin broke just a little bit. “Sire. Arthur. I...I want to tell you. I do.” Sometime it was a struggle not to let his mouth run over with his secrets, spilling all his lies onto the ground between them. “I just...it’s truly not my place. And...maybe I’m a bit afraid, too.” Because he was also held by an ancient fear that had been instilled in him. One of his first memories was his Mother as she pressed their hands together, teaching him to keep ‘it’ inside, to hold ‘it’ in tight, to let ‘it’ be a secret that only the two of them shared. “I want to tell you.” Not only Morgana’s secrets, but all of them, everyone’s secrets. Every single white lie. Every single thing that kept Merlin up at night with pain, sorrow and fear. Merlin longed to pour the things he kept tight in his chest at Arthur’s feet to let him deal with them, to get his advice and opinions. His rage and mercy. “But, I can’t. Not yet. I’m sorry.”

He hated how his words seemed to catch in his throat. The hand around his forearm went lax and then tightened into a firm, almost painful grip. Arthur leaned closer, until Merlin could smell him, strong and heady; woodsmoke, sword polish, the soap from his laundry nearly gone, overwhelmed by the intrinsic, masculine scent of his clean sweat. Merlin stiffened and nearly jerked away before stopping himself. Because the scent filled his senses and sent something curling low and warm in his belly that felt dangerously close to arousal and that was unacceptable. He ruthlessly squashed the feeling, staring back at the fire until his eyes began to water.

“Merlin.” The prince’s voice rumbled like thunderous vibrations near his ear. His tone held many things as Arthur’s lips formed his name; incredulity, anger, and concern. Maybe a bit of his own fear. “Merlin, will you look at me.” Once again, not a request but a command. Merlin reluctantly turned to obey and bit the inside of his lip because Arthur was close enough that he could see the individual flecks in his irises. “That’s better. Now,” Arthur continued to scan him, attempting to read him and pick him apart.

Merlin was terrified of what he might find. So, at the cost of his soul, the servant forced his expression into a familiar one of dull witlessness and innocence. Widened his eyes, forced his mouth into a uneasy smile, hunched over in on himself to reduce his height and the space he took up. “Yes, sire?” He prompted, trying to keep his voice steady. And Arthur usually fell for it. Usually stopped whatever conversation they were having in a fit of exasperation, called him a name and then went to find information elsewhere.

Instead, Arthur’s hand moved from his forearm and up to his shoulder where he shook the servant gently. “None of that. Tell me what’s going on. Even if it’s not...not everything. Just, something. Tell me something. So, I can help. Morgana and...you?” Arthur’s voice was low and concerned, eyes flickering from the forest, the fire and then back to Merlin. “You know me. I won’t stop until I know. And you know that I’m not going to do...whatever it is you’re afraid of. My job is to protect my people. Morgana and you, are my people.” Then nothing but for the forest and the fire for nearly a minute while Merlin's heart thumped wildly against his ribcage. 

Arthur shook him again, a look on his face that screamed earnestness. “Come on, Merlin. Stop pretending to be interesting.” Which Merlin knew translated to ‘_I hate that I find you so interesting_’.

He knew that there was no way he was spilling his secrets tonight. Even if Merlin wanted to with all his soul. Equally, he held onto his secrets because in a way they were just a much a part of him now as his magic. Merlin swallowed and tried to give it one last attempt. He made his face turn into a mask of mock offense. “But, I am interesting! Just because you don’t think so...plenty of people find me fascinating.”

Arthur gave him a very unimpressed glower. And Merlin deflated with a sigh as he turned back to stare at the fire, avoiding his prince’s gaze.

Finally, when he could not bear to feel his prince’s worried gaze on him any longer, he broke. “Just...listen to her, sire. When she is afraid, when she pleads because of her nightmares...” He sighed and glanced at Arthur beneath his lashes. “She needs us. Needs people to listen, to try and understand. Support.” He was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with all of the prince’s attention on him.

Arthur’s adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard and Merlin looked away, pulling his bottom lip beneath his teeth to worry at it. His body buzzed with anxiety and awareness. He jumped when a rough knuckle lifted his chin, turning his face. Merlin met his prince’s worried bright blue eyes and he wanted to melt, wanted to place all of his worries into Arthur’s strong hands. To give up all of his secrets and responsibilities to his king.

But, that was just a fantasy. It would never happen. It made his heart ache, heavy with sorrow. Arthur was watching him. His knuckle left, and Merlin’s disappointment was short lived as it became the prince’s fingers, resting along the line of Merlin’s jaw. Merlin’s eyelids fluttered shut and he couldn’t help but lean slightly into the touch.

When Arthur spoke his voice was rough. “And you?” The rumble of his loved voice rolled over Merlin, as if it was thunder. And thunder had always felt like coming home when it echoed through the skies, vibrating in his bones like the magic he felt constantly.

“Me?” Merlin questioned, confused.

Arthur nodded, watching his servant closely. “What do you need?”

Without any warning, Merlin’s throat closed up. Eyes growing hot with unleashed tears. “I,” His voice came out small and broken. Merlin cleared his throat, trying to pull himself together. But, then Arthur’s thumb ran across his cheekbone and any chance of that vanished. He choked out a sob, surprised by the sudden waves of emotion that began to drown him. Merlin covered his face with his own hands, turning away from Arthur's touch as though he would be able to hide what was happening.

The way Arthur became visibly uncomfortable when he saw someone crying, came to mind. And he never wanted Arthur to be uncomfortable around him.

“Mer...Merlin?” A hesitant hand curled over his shoulder. The warmth and feeling of support only made him cry harder. Guilt and sorrow, love and fear all bubbled up until he shook with the force of the feelings inside. “Merlin!” Arthur called, voice thick with concern, confusion and shock, probably. “It’s...it’s okay. You’re okay.”

Merlin was not okay. He was a liar, a murderer. Blood on his hands, as sure as if he’d stabbed them personally. He was a warlock in the heart of Camelot, a kingdom that slaughtered people like him. Merlin woke often from nightmares of burning alive. But, not as often as he awoke from nightmares of Arthur drowning, falling, bleeding, suffocating, pleading...

Merlin was not okay. Each day felt like a sliver of his soul being shorn away from him. Scars from near death experiences littered him, memories of pain. And yet, all of it was outweighed by the main reason he kept going. Why he stayed. Not just destiny, loyalty and friendship for the man beside him. But, love.

Overwhelming, consuming love. Love that had grown each day inside of him like an overgrowth of vines that took over the places and people that might have come before, until he could not fully place what it meant. He loved Arthur as his King, his friend,even sometimes like a brother. If that was where it had stayed, it would have been fine. But, Merlin knew the truth. That his love had grown into dreams of soft touches, kisses and domestic yearning. He was in love with the man who would one day rule over all of Albion. But, more than that he was in love with Arthur and that sometimes felt like even more of a problem.

Merlin was not okay. Because no amount of support or listening would take the bone deep fear from him. Every lie was another barrier between them. Every hard choice making it more difficult to smile and believe that one day, Arthur would accept him, forgive him, love him...

So he cried harder, misery overwhelming him. He needed to pull himself together. There was more at stake than his feelings.

“Merlin...” Arthur sighed. _Exasperated_, Merlin thought, _with my weakness_. Then he froze as two strong arms wrapped around him. “Whatever it is, whatever you’re afraid of, I will face it with you.” One arm was curled around his waist. The other across his chest. “I would never let anything happen to you, if I can help it. If you’re in trouble...I will fight for you, will protect you.” Arthur’s warmth pressed into his back. Tears still dripped down his face into his hands and the breath hiccuped from him the way it did after an incredibly hard cry.

But, he’d been shocked into silence, his body and magic soaking up Arthur’s affection like a flower to the sun. “You don’t need to tell me. I know...”Arthur cleared his throat, the careful prince falling away. “I know I have not always listened to you when I should have. I make mistakes. I trust the wrong people. I can be a prat. I know I’ve said before that we aren’t friends...that we can’t be...but,” Here Arthur’s voice cracked and Merlin felt it like a fissure through his heart. “You’re not...you’re not just...argh, why is this so hard?” Arthur bemoaned, pressing his face into Merlin’s shoulder blade. The warlock’s breath hitched. Arthur steeled himself, voice strong despite his uncertainty. “You’re the most important...person in my life, I think.” Arthur was close enough that the heat of his breath soaked into his skin through his tunic.

“When I think of friends, I think of the nobles that I’ve been forced to know my whole life, I think of Leon and...and Morgana. But, when I think of you...” Arthur shook his head, his hair tickling the back of Merlin’s neck. “You’re more, I guess. Merlin, I can’t stand to see you in pain. If you need...whatever you need, I’m here. Like you are for me. Always. Just,” Arthur sighed and a shiver ran up Merlin’s spine. “Does any of this help?” He asked tentatively. As though he hadn’t just bared his heart for Merlin’s judgment.

Merlin swallowed and lifted his head from his palms, the cool night air quickly drying his tears in cool streaks. Hesitantly, he let himself lean back into the embrace, hands curling over Arthur’s arms. He felt, rather than heard, the way Arthur’s breath hitched in his chest. Being held by this man...it felt like home, it felt like magic. Like redemption and forgiveness. Even if just for now, a calm happiness fell over him.

Merlin’s words came out wrecked even in a whisper. “It does...thank you, Arthur.”

He felt the other man’s smile against his skin. They stayed like that until the fire died.


End file.
